[It is a hurdle that is small in stature compared to everything else they've gone through, yet it feels insurmountable because it deals with their wants, their desires, things that have been denied to them over and over through their lives that the idea of actually asking for something is terrifying.
But never have they truly let fear get between things that required a sword or fist, so now they should not let it get between them. Easier said than done, though.
After putting some honey into her cup, Jill sits with it for a moment, hands curled around the warm mug, considering the myriad of ways to begin the conversation. However, Clive is speaking before her and Jill is caught off guard at the immediate apology, blinking at him before the tension in her shoulders falls and she shakes her head.]
I am sorry too. I should have spoken up long before and not let things fester. Though I am not angry with you, not in any way.
[She wants that to be clear, that while she was not getting what she wanted, nothing is being held against them. There is no resentment, just a little regret on her part for thinking]
It is just that this is a subject that is unfamiliar to me and I should not have expected you to have figured out my unspoken thoughts.
[ There is a fair amount of relief in knowing that Jill was not actually mad at him. He believed it, with the sincerity and openness of their conversation, there was no longer a point to hide behind any sort of veil of formalities. Everything could be laid out in their small shared place.
He'll continue to listen intently, keeping most of his comments concealed behind the tightening grip of the mug in order to allow her to fully speak her mind. This was a time to allow Jill the space she needed to air out any of her grievances, and Clive was going to do his best to be as supportive as possible.
So with a bit of a gentle push, he peers at her with somber curiosity. ]
... I should have realized soon. But whatever your unspoken thoughts are, I wish to hear them— you don't need to hide anything from me.
[He's right. There's no real need to hide anything from him because he's always managed to see her at her most vulnerable yet he still accepted her through it. This should be no different, but like that night at the inn, things between them feel awkward and brand new even though they've shared the most a couple could share.
Jill nervously turns the cup of tea between her hands, watching the tan liquid sloshing slightly from side to side. She should really look at him when she finally speaks to gauge his truest reaction, but the crimson that creeps along her cheekbones won't let her.]
I wish to experience what we shared that night on the beach. Again. Possibly more than once.
[Well, at least she's stopped beating around the bush. If all men are supposedly dim or outright dumb as she was advised, being blunt is the best method to get what she wants.]
[ The clue he received from Cid should have softened the reply when the reveal came, and yet it slammed against Clive like a blow to his chest. Certainly it was one thing to have someone hint at the possibility, but for Jill to come out and say it...
He couldn't quite hide his initial bit of shock. Yes, what they had experienced together at the beach was something he could never forget, but they had never spoken of it again. It wasn't something so horrid as to hide away, but perhaps a rare intimate moment to be coveted. He had put the world before Jill after that moment, but now that his entire world was Jill...
He knows how difficult this must be to admit; to pour herself out in front of him and remove the boundaries that women would only whisper about, finding it too vulgar to speak in public. Yet for her to even have gotten to this point... To be in such a vulnerable state- to lie it all out in front of him- Clive could only imagine the courage it must have taken to get to this moment.
His head lowers, but not before reaching over and gingerly placing a supportive hand on her closest thigh. If she was brave enough to open herself up to request it, then he would not shy away from his response. ]
As do I. [ He will admit while turning his gaze to attempt to meet her own. ]
I won't make excuses for what I've done, but I am sorry you have been keeping this in for so long.
[ He feels so, so shitty. But one step at a time- ]
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, Jill.
[With those two words, her head whips up and her eyes are on him, wide and curious. She knew how she felt, how her body ached to reach that point of no return again, but she also felt alone in her thoughts. Clive never hinted he wanted more which let to Jill's budding insecurity. That gets washed away in a hurry with his simple answer, the confirmation that he truly does want her, not only loves her, but wants her in the way she wants him.
It moves something in her and Jill finds herself relaxing in this knowledge, lifting her thigh up into his touch, relishing in that little bit of affection.]
I know. [Appreciative, however she's shaking her head.] But this is something I'd rather you'd want to do over feeling as if you have to because it's me.
[Her hand moves from around the cup, down to rest on the back of his all the while.]
I don't want to be another responsibility for you. Not like this, anyway.
[ Not in that way she implied, at least. He surely felt responsible for keeping her safe and protected, but feeling as though she was just another task on his do-to list? Never. ]
Your feelings and what you want will never be a burden to me. We are in this together. [ He replies before taking his other hand and cupping it over her own. ] This is something I want us to do. Not because we have to... but because we want to.
[ His face slightly falters to something a bit more vulnerable, and his frown deepens. ]
[Together. That's right. It's something she tells him time and time again, though it seems she needs a little reminder for herself. Especially when it's about something wanted and not just needed.
At his admission, Jill purses her lips in disapproval, but it quickly melts into a sympathetic smile.]
Clive, I am just as inexperienced as you. It would be unfair of me to judge you.
[Not that she would really be able to tell if he was doing something wrong back then. The romance novels have given her ideas and leads as to how things should go, but also, how much of those texts are just fantasy with not even a sprinkle of reality?]
I didn't try to discuss things with you at home because I felt there were more important things to contend with. Others needed you, needed what you do and did for them, and I felt that I could fall behind those things at the time.
[ There is a twinge of relief that comes with not being particularly blamed in that department. It was a new experience for the both, and while those back at the army's camps would easily describe it as something that would come second nature to a man, to know that he wasn't expected to have all the answers did ease some of the embarrassment.
But Jill was right. Back home there was a bigger picture to contend with, and as much as he struggled to balance the two some things at the time had to become priority. He only now realized what he had to give up in order for those tasks to be accomplished. ]
I never gave you the opportunity to speak your mind, though. I can't imagine how you must have felt.
[She shakes her head, not quite brushing off his concern, but also not accepting him taking on all the blame on his own. It takes two to tango and they haven't quite been matching the beat on either end.]
I never took the opportunity to speak my mind either. Granted, I didn't know how then... not that I really do now, but still, there were some things I allowed to pass when I maybe shouldn't have.
[And to complete the pattern they have going on, Jill moves her other hand to cover his, making a little stack of comforting and loving hands between them.]
But that's in the past now. We can only move forward knowing what we now do, right?
[ Her touch, as chill as it may have use to be, was warm and comforting to the touch on top of his own. It gave him the courage to lift his eyes to meet hers, a spark of confidence and contentment behind them. ]
You're right. I won't make the mistake of disappointing you again. [ And as down on himself as he normally his, Clive's words are earnest.
He gives her hand another squeeze before attempting some soft semblance of a smile. ]
There should be no more secrets between us... no more hiding back our feelings. If we are to do this together, we should be as open as possible.
[That smile of his could almost fix everything wrong in her world. There's just something about it that reminds her that he came back, he always comes back, and he will always be there no matter what. It's enough that she lifts her hand to trace the pad of her thumb across his lips, like she's marking their upcurved form to memory.]
Yes, we should. And with that, I shall ask without fear: is there anything you desire of me?
[Other than what they both agree they want (and probably need) at this moment, that is. Perhaps he wants something out of this relationship she can give him immediately, to cement her promise to do better, to allow the man to have the things he wants for once in his life, to be the one to give them to him.]
[ With the knowledge of her desires fully present, it makes the situation rather difficult to not immediately relinquish to her request when Jill's finger traces along his lips. It ignites a flame deep within his chest, taking every bit of will he could conquer up to answer her question first.
They would have plenty of time to accomplish that goal, but after a brief moment of consideration, Clive finally parts his lips briefly to speak his mind. ]
My only desire is for you to agree to a proper courtship with me.
[ It... may sound like a strange request, but one Clive felt that needed to be addressed. If they were going to make this work, if they were truly in this together, then he needed to take the proper steps in order to do so.
Starting with going back to the basics. ]
... I never did truly ask you, though there were many times I wish I had.
Well, if that's the case, I agree. [As if she would ever tell him no.] But in the interest of being honest, I don't quite know what that entails.
[At least for herself. The novels have given her ideas with things like candlelit dinners, a bouquet of flowers from a suitor, grand and wordy gestures of loving out loud. Not all of them seem to her taste, but if that is what Clive wants, that is what he shall get.
She's already given him flowers in the form of the snow daisy garland. Perhaps he would like a box of chocolates next.]
You'll have to be a bit more specific, I'm afraid.
[Alas, it has been far too many years for Jill to remember any of the Duchy gossip. Besides, what she did hear flew mostly above her head at that age and didn't register. They are truly on their own here, but at least there are books to guide them in the proper direction.
And like magnets against metal, his coming close pulls Jill in until her forehead presses against his and she takes in a deep breath of Clive's essence, no longer carrying the scent of smoke and fire, but now of leather and ocean spray. It's still just as comforting as ever and Jill relishes in it greedily.]
As long as you do, I will hold nothing against you.
[That's really all Jill is asking of Clive. A try. If he stumbles, she will stumble with him. She will be there to pick up what pieces crash to the floor and help him put them back together. But he has to make the attempt and she has to stop making all the attempts on her own, at least according to the anonymous letters.
On the other side of the room, Torgal huffs and rises to his feet, stretching lightly before padding off into the bedroom. It's like he hears these two putting their fondness for one another into outspoken words and realizes it's time to give them some privacy.]
And I love you too. You will never lose me. This, I promise you.
[A heavy vow, indeed, but one she swears her life to.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But never have they truly let fear get between things that required a sword or fist, so now they should not let it get between them. Easier said than done, though.
After putting some honey into her cup, Jill sits with it for a moment, hands curled around the warm mug, considering the myriad of ways to begin the conversation. However, Clive is speaking before her and Jill is caught off guard at the immediate apology, blinking at him before the tension in her shoulders falls and she shakes her head.]
I am sorry too. I should have spoken up long before and not let things fester. Though I am not angry with you, not in any way.
[She wants that to be clear, that while she was not getting what she wanted, nothing is being held against them. There is no resentment, just a little regret on her part for thinking]
It is just that this is a subject that is unfamiliar to me and I should not have expected you to have figured out my unspoken thoughts.
no subject
He'll continue to listen intently, keeping most of his comments concealed behind the tightening grip of the mug in order to allow her to fully speak her mind. This was a time to allow Jill the space she needed to air out any of her grievances, and Clive was going to do his best to be as supportive as possible.
So with a bit of a gentle push, he peers at her with somber curiosity. ]
... I should have realized soon. But whatever your unspoken thoughts are, I wish to hear them— you don't need to hide anything from me.
no subject
Jill nervously turns the cup of tea between her hands, watching the tan liquid sloshing slightly from side to side. She should really look at him when she finally speaks to gauge his truest reaction, but the crimson that creeps along her cheekbones won't let her.]
I wish to experience what we shared that night on the beach. Again. Possibly more than once.
[Well, at least she's stopped beating around the bush. If all men are supposedly dim or outright dumb as she was advised, being blunt is the best method to get what she wants.]
no subject
He couldn't quite hide his initial bit of shock. Yes, what they had experienced together at the beach was something he could never forget, but they had never spoken of it again. It wasn't something so horrid as to hide away, but perhaps a rare intimate moment to be coveted. He had put the world before Jill after that moment, but now that his entire world was Jill...
He knows how difficult this must be to admit; to pour herself out in front of him and remove the boundaries that women would only whisper about, finding it too vulgar to speak in public. Yet for her to even have gotten to this point... To be in such a vulnerable state- to lie it all out in front of him- Clive could only imagine the courage it must have taken to get to this moment.
His head lowers, but not before reaching over and gingerly placing a supportive hand on her closest thigh. If she was brave enough to open herself up to request it, then he would not shy away from his response. ]
As do I. [ He will admit while turning his gaze to attempt to meet her own. ]
I won't make excuses for what I've done, but I am sorry you have been keeping this in for so long.
[ He feels so, so shitty. But one step at a time- ]
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, Jill.
no subject
[With those two words, her head whips up and her eyes are on him, wide and curious. She knew how she felt, how her body ached to reach that point of no return again, but she also felt alone in her thoughts. Clive never hinted he wanted more which let to Jill's budding insecurity. That gets washed away in a hurry with his simple answer, the confirmation that he truly does want her, not only loves her, but wants her in the way she wants him.
It moves something in her and Jill finds herself relaxing in this knowledge, lifting her thigh up into his touch, relishing in that little bit of affection.]
I know. [Appreciative, however she's shaking her head.] But this is something I'd rather you'd want to do over feeling as if you have to because it's me.
[Her hand moves from around the cup, down to rest on the back of his all the while.]
I don't want to be another responsibility for you. Not like this, anyway.
1/2
[ Not in that way she implied, at least. He surely felt responsible for keeping her safe and protected, but feeling as though she was just another task on his do-to list? Never. ]
Your feelings and what you want will never be a burden to me. We are in this together. [ He replies before taking his other hand and cupping it over her own. ] This is something I want us to do. Not because we have to... but because we want to.
[ His face slightly falters to something a bit more vulnerable, and his frown deepens. ]
2/2
I... we hadn't spoken of it since then, and with all that had occurred I thought that perhaps my inexperience may have played a part in all this.
no subject
At his admission, Jill purses her lips in disapproval, but it quickly melts into a sympathetic smile.]
Clive, I am just as inexperienced as you. It would be unfair of me to judge you.
[Not that she would really be able to tell if he was doing something wrong back then. The romance novels have given her ideas and leads as to how things should go, but also, how much of those texts are just fantasy with not even a sprinkle of reality?]
I didn't try to discuss things with you at home because I felt there were more important things to contend with. Others needed you, needed what you do and did for them, and I felt that I could fall behind those things at the time.
no subject
But Jill was right. Back home there was a bigger picture to contend with, and as much as he struggled to balance the two some things at the time had to become priority. He only now realized what he had to give up in order for those tasks to be accomplished. ]
I never gave you the opportunity to speak your mind, though. I can't imagine how you must have felt.
no subject
I never took the opportunity to speak my mind either. Granted, I didn't know how then... not that I really do now, but still, there were some things I allowed to pass when I maybe shouldn't have.
[And to complete the pattern they have going on, Jill moves her other hand to cover his, making a little stack of comforting and loving hands between them.]
But that's in the past now. We can only move forward knowing what we now do, right?
no subject
You're right. I won't make the mistake of disappointing you again. [ And as down on himself as he normally his, Clive's words are earnest.
He gives her hand another squeeze before attempting some soft semblance of a smile. ]
There should be no more secrets between us... no more hiding back our feelings. If we are to do this together, we should be as open as possible.
no subject
Yes, we should. And with that, I shall ask without fear: is there anything you desire of me?
[Other than what they both agree they want (and probably need) at this moment, that is. Perhaps he wants something out of this relationship she can give him immediately, to cement her promise to do better, to allow the man to have the things he wants for once in his life, to be the one to give them to him.]
no subject
They would have plenty of time to accomplish that goal, but after a brief moment of consideration, Clive finally parts his lips briefly to speak his mind. ]
My only desire is for you to agree to a proper courtship with me.
[ It... may sound like a strange request, but one Clive felt that needed to be addressed. If they were going to make this work, if they were truly in this together, then he needed to take the proper steps in order to do so.
Starting with going back to the basics. ]
... I never did truly ask you, though there were many times I wish I had.
no subject
[At least for herself. The novels have given her ideas with things like candlelit dinners, a bouquet of flowers from a suitor, grand and wordy gestures of loving out loud. Not all of them seem to her taste, but if that is what Clive wants, that is what he shall get.
She's already given him flowers in the form of the snow daisy garland. Perhaps he would like a box of chocolates next.]
You'll have to be a bit more specific, I'm afraid.
no subject
But this was his request, so he would do the work to gather what he could, and how to be a proper "boyfriend". ]
I'm not sure how others go about it. I don't know if there is a standard or if what I am doing is "proper" at all, but I mean to try.
[ Another light squeeze of her hand. This time he begins to lean in a bit closer, the spark of something nestled in his blue eyes. ]
The only thing I know for certain is that I love you, and I never want to lose you.
no subject
And like magnets against metal, his coming close pulls Jill in until her forehead presses against his and she takes in a deep breath of Clive's essence, no longer carrying the scent of smoke and fire, but now of leather and ocean spray. It's still just as comforting as ever and Jill relishes in it greedily.]
As long as you do, I will hold nothing against you.
[That's really all Jill is asking of Clive. A try. If he stumbles, she will stumble with him. She will be there to pick up what pieces crash to the floor and help him put them back together. But he has to make the attempt and she has to stop making all the attempts on her own, at least according to the anonymous letters.
On the other side of the room, Torgal huffs and rises to his feet, stretching lightly before padding off into the bedroom. It's like he hears these two putting their fondness for one another into outspoken words and realizes it's time to give them some privacy.]
And I love you too. You will never lose me. This, I promise you.
[A heavy vow, indeed, but one she swears her life to.]