His heart sank to his chest upon receiving the one worded reply, and all doubts began to swell inside of him, allowing thoughts to run ragged with a slew of negative possibilities.
So there was something wrong. Far more than what he had been lead to believe. Jill had remained silent with these feelings harbored against him, and to know that he was the one who caused such grief…
It was a feeling far worse than many he’s felt before.
He didn’t expect a response. And to be honest, with how things were going, he would have not blamed her in the least. Yet when one finally came, there was no relief that followed, only furthering the truth that he had fucked up.
If he were a lesser man, he would have left it at that, but there was a reason he typed those words to her in the first place.
And so, after a few moments have gone by to process the message, he finally responds. ]
May I meet with you?
[ There were too many words to say. So many that he was ill equipped to type all of them down with so little knowledge of this technology.
He needed to say it in person. To know that his words were registering and making it to its intended audience. He needed to make this right. ]
[The bad part about these shellphones is that Jill cannot see Clive, reach out and touch him gently, soothe the edges of whatever worries he has or worse yet, even read his body language to recognize the battle he's waging inside himself. They're so cold, so impersonal, and to the truth, this is not a conversation that should be held over faceless devices anyway.]
Yes. I am at the apartment if you wish to come here.
[She could go to his place, as she usually does, but something inside Jill tells her to let him come to her. If he is to be a proper suitor, she cannot continue to enable his poor habits by doing all the work by herself.]
[ While it was certainly a useful tool for the distance and brief conversation, something this loaded needed to be said face-to-face. He, too, needed to see and read her reactions. Jill was never one to worry about herself, so he needed to be the force beside her to help navigate through this endeavor.
Now more than ever Clive wanted to be at her side. ]
I'm heading there now, then.
[ He informs, already picking himself up and making his way towards her apartment. Although she was the one to visit often the steps towards her housing were deeply engraved in his mind, almost his trek almost an automatic movement while he traversed the small distance between them.
He wished to get there as fast as he could. He wished to have these terrible emotions and feelings that crawled up his skin leave him after some clarity. There were too many "what-ifs" that dulled his sensibility as he moved, blurring his vision.
Yet eventually he will arrive in what felt like centuries. Clive's legs felt like lead and breath thickening in his lungs. Would she really want to see him? After a fool he's been?
A firm knock on the door and patience will tell— ]
[Jill was never one to worry about herself... until she got here. She was always tied up in making sure Clive was okay, was alive, and wasn't taking on everything himself. Everything and anything was Clive and back then, it worked. But here, things are different. There is so much time to rest and reflect and think and that means her mind takes advantage of those opportunities to remind Jill that she has needs too. Wants, even.
She busies herself with straightening up her already neat chambers, shifting a chair here, nudging a little knickknack of a starfish there. It's mostly her working out her anxiety about this meetup, knowing that the last few weeks of avoiding her issues is about to come to a head, but also so she can hide evidence of her "studying". The tamer romance novels get tucked into a bookshelf where the titles and covers are vague enough to pass by the unsuspecting eye while the racier ones with the half-shirtless men with swooning women draped in their arms on the front find a new home under her pillow. That one book that Jill wished she never laid eyes on and has been promised to the hottest fires that she can find in the nearest future gets kicked under the bed in shame.
Torgal, who's on Jill's week of the loose custody arrangement between her and Clive, watches her flitter around from his lying place on the floor with curious eyes. If only he understood how silly humans can be, especially his. But maybe it's better he doesn't know; at least he'll save his own sanity watching them act like fools.
By the time Clive arrives, she's out of things to keep her hands occupied and can only nervously stand by the door and await his knock. It still startles her into a slight jump when she hears the solid rap and her pulse needs a moment to settle back into its normal rhythm before she's pulling open the door and greeting Clive with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.]
Hello.
[A simple greeting. Too simple for what's between the both of them, but Jill doesn't know what else to say through her nerves.]
[ The moments idling in front of the door were some of the longest Clive has ever had to wait. His fists clenched and unclenched with a heartbeat so quickened it threatened to tear open a hole in his chest.
There were plenty of things he could recall in his past that he regrets; things he wished he had done differently or paths that were meant to be explored but never did. Yet through his constant adversities there was one solid foundation that kept himself from drifting afloat... and that was Jill. For so long she had been the wall that prevented him from collapsing, but as their time grew longer here the cracks were beginning to be exposed.
She couldn't remain that sturdy wall for him forever, not without the proper care and maintenance it took to make sure that she, too, stood tall.
And that was what he was here to prove.
The door opening startles him slightly despite having been waiting there for this exact reason, and immediately his eyes turn to meet hers. He quickly notes the simple greeting- how her eyes don't match her smile and the tone that follows finding itself odd to his ears. Clive knows this is his fault, that's he driven a hard wedge between them and it was up to him to remove it. ]
Jill...
[ He'll give a nod to the greeting despite its lack of familiarity as his normal stoic-like disposition is mixed with a far bit of sadness. He won't give himself the opportunity to play victim though, not when she has been the one hurting the most. So he'll reach down to take one of her hands into his own, giving it a small and support squeeze. A simple gesture to know that he was here and refusing to leave her side. ]
Let's talk. I want to hear everything that's been on your mind.
[Taking in the expression on his face, Jill hates it. Perhaps she should have never thrown those letters to the sea because all it seems she did was open the universe to her woes and they somehow got back to Clive. If she had kept her proverbial mouth shut and just accepted what Clive was giving her (whatever little that may be) instead of being greedy by daring to want more, he wouldn't be standing in her doorway looking like a kicked puppy. Who was she to ask more from a man who so many already requested so much of him? Better yet, who was she to think she even deserves more in the first place?
But yet here he is looking exactly like that while still taking her hand in his where Clive can probably feel the endless quick drumming of her pulse. Her nerves are on high alert, though the gentle squeeze helps remind her that he asked to come here, that if he wanted to cut things loose and run, he could have.
He did not.
She nods, letting him hold her hand a bit longer before she pulls it away so she can step aside and let him into the apartment.]
[ For as long as the two of them knew one another, she was still a difficult read. Sure, there were moments he could catch when she was feeling her lowest, but others times the little details would be washed in the wave of events surrounding them. Maybe if he had been a bit more attentive...
He'll nod, a bit sheepishly, before accepting the gesture and entering the apartment. Torgal lifts his head up to acknowledge Clive, as he will do the same to the wolf. A quick scan of the room as well leaves little for the man to note- nothing out of place or different from the last time he visited. But... how long had that been? There had not been here for long, but the more he stood in silence the more a creeping realization began to dawn upon him.
He hated it.
Taking in a deep inhale to push the thoughts aside, he turned to her as the door closed behind them. ]
Did you need any help with that? [ Regardless of the task, he felt compelled to at least ask. ]
[Maybe people will say she lets Clive get away with murder or that she makes excuses for his behavior, but for Jill there are just some things she can't bring herself to hold against him. No matter what the replies in a bottle said about how dim and dull men can be, she still felt the need to defend him. Even now, she'll say that his attentiveness is due to being used to running around saving the world where those things were much more important than catering to her wants and that she understood having to take a backseat to that.
Perhaps a little too used as she let it go on for so long, even here, but what's done is done and the only thing they can do is talk it out. But to get there first, Jill has to work through her nerves again with this tea and with Clive asking to help, she swallows the knee-jerk reaction to refuse his assistance. It takes only one to make tea, but two to make this relationship work and it's better to start on the right foot by letting him in little by little.
She's taking a couple cups out of the cabinet when she turns her head towards him, a small smile curling her lips.]
[ It wasn't like the two of them had the best role models when it came to loving relationships. His father and mother were together for political reasons, and although there seemed to hold no ill content between one another, the lack of affection was evident. Though, he supposed, if one were to uphold a demeanor worthy of the duchy, such nuisances were never likely shown. Only in the plays and books he consumed as a boy gave any indication how a true couple would act, as exaggerated as they may have been. Yet that's all they were in the end- stories- turned to ash after the events at Phoenix Gate, and with that any hope of romantic inclination for thirteen whole years.
The butterflies that had previously consumed him at a young age when he looked at Jill had been consumed in flames, and for such a long time he never even knew if she was alive. There was no other emotion that could topple the amount of hate, rage, and regret he felt each and every day.
Yet as he is now is he was slowly, timidly, carefully trying to piece together what it meant to be a person again. To express emotions and live a life that was able to love.
... But maybe he was being too slow. Maybe to ask someone to wait for him to discover these emotions was too selfish of him. Maybe he didn't deserve it at all— ]
Of course. [ He answers plainly, moving without a second thought to stand in front of the fireplace. He kneels down, placing a hand out in front of him as small sparks begin to ignite the wood inside of it. To use Ifrit's powers in such a way... some would find it laughable. But whatever way he chose to help her he would do it.
There would be much to discuss soon, but at least the growing warmth that began to surround the room gave some comfort to the chill he felt at the back of his spine.
He'll busy himself while the tea is being prepared; moving two chairs out slightly so they had a place to sit, as well as keeping his gaze occupied with anything he could find in the room. He had to prepare himself for what Jill was going to say, and would not back down from it. ]
[And she can't even remember her own parents' relationship, so really, neither one of them have anything to pull from. Everything around them was violence and bloodshed, very little of loving and care. No wonder they're stumbling blindly along the path to something softer and kinder to the both of them.
She thanks him in a quiet voice for the flames as she makes the tea. It is nothing fancy, just some basic blend Jill found in the shops made of sweet leaves and dried flowers. Still, the aroma as it brews soothes her more than she expected and she can't help but take a deep breath as she pours two servings after a long while of watching the kettle, in spite of the cliche of a watched pot and its boiling.
With all that done, Jill places the cups on the table along with a small container of honey. She continues setting things up with a plate of cookies, even though she's nowhere near hungry and surely neither is Clive. But it's better to have things nearby so they don't have any potential interruptions or distractions once they begin the ever important task of talking.]
Clive? The tea's ready.
[And so is she as she slips into a chair. She has to be.]
[ Everything seems so formal. So cordial. As if they were guests their assigned spaces and not lovers whom had withstood the might of a god together. But this was a hurdle the both of them needed to go through.
They had taken on so much, and they would continue to do so... no matter what.
Clive takes his place at the table and gives a half smile when the honey and cookies are presented. No, he wasn't hungry at all. He didn't even think he could properly down the tea, lest his nerves try to bring it back up, but the cup at least was something to keep a hand preoccupied as fingers curled around it.
And with his heart practically beating into his throat, the man will to form more than just a few words. ]
Jill, I... I'm sorry. [ Three words. It's a start. ]
[It is a hurdle that is small in stature compared to everything else they've gone through, yet it feels insurmountable because it deals with their wants, their desires, things that have been denied to them over and over through their lives that the idea of actually asking for something is terrifying.
But never have they truly let fear get between things that required a sword or fist, so now they should not let it get between them. Easier said than done, though.
After putting some honey into her cup, Jill sits with it for a moment, hands curled around the warm mug, considering the myriad of ways to begin the conversation. However, Clive is speaking before her and Jill is caught off guard at the immediate apology, blinking at him before the tension in her shoulders falls and she shakes her head.]
I am sorry too. I should have spoken up long before and not let things fester. Though I am not angry with you, not in any way.
[She wants that to be clear, that while she was not getting what she wanted, nothing is being held against them. There is no resentment, just a little regret on her part for thinking]
It is just that this is a subject that is unfamiliar to me and I should not have expected you to have figured out my unspoken thoughts.
[ There is a fair amount of relief in knowing that Jill was not actually mad at him. He believed it, with the sincerity and openness of their conversation, there was no longer a point to hide behind any sort of veil of formalities. Everything could be laid out in their small shared place.
He'll continue to listen intently, keeping most of his comments concealed behind the tightening grip of the mug in order to allow her to fully speak her mind. This was a time to allow Jill the space she needed to air out any of her grievances, and Clive was going to do his best to be as supportive as possible.
So with a bit of a gentle push, he peers at her with somber curiosity. ]
... I should have realized soon. But whatever your unspoken thoughts are, I wish to hear them— you don't need to hide anything from me.
[He's right. There's no real need to hide anything from him because he's always managed to see her at her most vulnerable yet he still accepted her through it. This should be no different, but like that night at the inn, things between them feel awkward and brand new even though they've shared the most a couple could share.
Jill nervously turns the cup of tea between her hands, watching the tan liquid sloshing slightly from side to side. She should really look at him when she finally speaks to gauge his truest reaction, but the crimson that creeps along her cheekbones won't let her.]
I wish to experience what we shared that night on the beach. Again. Possibly more than once.
[Well, at least she's stopped beating around the bush. If all men are supposedly dim or outright dumb as she was advised, being blunt is the best method to get what she wants.]
[ The clue he received from Cid should have softened the reply when the reveal came, and yet it slammed against Clive like a blow to his chest. Certainly it was one thing to have someone hint at the possibility, but for Jill to come out and say it...
He couldn't quite hide his initial bit of shock. Yes, what they had experienced together at the beach was something he could never forget, but they had never spoken of it again. It wasn't something so horrid as to hide away, but perhaps a rare intimate moment to be coveted. He had put the world before Jill after that moment, but now that his entire world was Jill...
He knows how difficult this must be to admit; to pour herself out in front of him and remove the boundaries that women would only whisper about, finding it too vulgar to speak in public. Yet for her to even have gotten to this point... To be in such a vulnerable state- to lie it all out in front of him- Clive could only imagine the courage it must have taken to get to this moment.
His head lowers, but not before reaching over and gingerly placing a supportive hand on her closest thigh. If she was brave enough to open herself up to request it, then he would not shy away from his response. ]
As do I. [ He will admit while turning his gaze to attempt to meet her own. ]
I won't make excuses for what I've done, but I am sorry you have been keeping this in for so long.
[ He feels so, so shitty. But one step at a time- ]
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, Jill.
[With those two words, her head whips up and her eyes are on him, wide and curious. She knew how she felt, how her body ached to reach that point of no return again, but she also felt alone in her thoughts. Clive never hinted he wanted more which let to Jill's budding insecurity. That gets washed away in a hurry with his simple answer, the confirmation that he truly does want her, not only loves her, but wants her in the way she wants him.
It moves something in her and Jill finds herself relaxing in this knowledge, lifting her thigh up into his touch, relishing in that little bit of affection.]
I know. [Appreciative, however she's shaking her head.] But this is something I'd rather you'd want to do over feeling as if you have to because it's me.
[Her hand moves from around the cup, down to rest on the back of his all the while.]
I don't want to be another responsibility for you. Not like this, anyway.
[ Not in that way she implied, at least. He surely felt responsible for keeping her safe and protected, but feeling as though she was just another task on his do-to list? Never. ]
Your feelings and what you want will never be a burden to me. We are in this together. [ He replies before taking his other hand and cupping it over her own. ] This is something I want us to do. Not because we have to... but because we want to.
[ His face slightly falters to something a bit more vulnerable, and his frown deepens. ]
[Together. That's right. It's something she tells him time and time again, though it seems she needs a little reminder for herself. Especially when it's about something wanted and not just needed.
At his admission, Jill purses her lips in disapproval, but it quickly melts into a sympathetic smile.]
Clive, I am just as inexperienced as you. It would be unfair of me to judge you.
[Not that she would really be able to tell if he was doing something wrong back then. The romance novels have given her ideas and leads as to how things should go, but also, how much of those texts are just fantasy with not even a sprinkle of reality?]
I didn't try to discuss things with you at home because I felt there were more important things to contend with. Others needed you, needed what you do and did for them, and I felt that I could fall behind those things at the time.
[ There is a twinge of relief that comes with not being particularly blamed in that department. It was a new experience for the both, and while those back at the army's camps would easily describe it as something that would come second nature to a man, to know that he wasn't expected to have all the answers did ease some of the embarrassment.
But Jill was right. Back home there was a bigger picture to contend with, and as much as he struggled to balance the two some things at the time had to become priority. He only now realized what he had to give up in order for those tasks to be accomplished. ]
I never gave you the opportunity to speak your mind, though. I can't imagine how you must have felt.
[She shakes her head, not quite brushing off his concern, but also not accepting him taking on all the blame on his own. It takes two to tango and they haven't quite been matching the beat on either end.]
I never took the opportunity to speak my mind either. Granted, I didn't know how then... not that I really do now, but still, there were some things I allowed to pass when I maybe shouldn't have.
[And to complete the pattern they have going on, Jill moves her other hand to cover his, making a little stack of comforting and loving hands between them.]
But that's in the past now. We can only move forward knowing what we now do, right?
[ Her touch, as chill as it may have use to be, was warm and comforting to the touch on top of his own. It gave him the courage to lift his eyes to meet hers, a spark of confidence and contentment behind them. ]
You're right. I won't make the mistake of disappointing you again. [ And as down on himself as he normally his, Clive's words are earnest.
He gives her hand another squeeze before attempting some soft semblance of a smile. ]
There should be no more secrets between us... no more hiding back our feelings. If we are to do this together, we should be as open as possible.
[That smile of his could almost fix everything wrong in her world. There's just something about it that reminds her that he came back, he always comes back, and he will always be there no matter what. It's enough that she lifts her hand to trace the pad of her thumb across his lips, like she's marking their upcurved form to memory.]
Yes, we should. And with that, I shall ask without fear: is there anything you desire of me?
[Other than what they both agree they want (and probably need) at this moment, that is. Perhaps he wants something out of this relationship she can give him immediately, to cement her promise to do better, to allow the man to have the things he wants for once in his life, to be the one to give them to him.]
[ With the knowledge of her desires fully present, it makes the situation rather difficult to not immediately relinquish to her request when Jill's finger traces along his lips. It ignites a flame deep within his chest, taking every bit of will he could conquer up to answer her question first.
They would have plenty of time to accomplish that goal, but after a brief moment of consideration, Clive finally parts his lips briefly to speak his mind. ]
My only desire is for you to agree to a proper courtship with me.
[ It... may sound like a strange request, but one Clive felt that needed to be addressed. If they were going to make this work, if they were truly in this together, then he needed to take the proper steps in order to do so.
Starting with going back to the basics. ]
... I never did truly ask you, though there were many times I wish I had.
Well, if that's the case, I agree. [As if she would ever tell him no.] But in the interest of being honest, I don't quite know what that entails.
[At least for herself. The novels have given her ideas with things like candlelit dinners, a bouquet of flowers from a suitor, grand and wordy gestures of loving out loud. Not all of them seem to her taste, but if that is what Clive wants, that is what he shall get.
She's already given him flowers in the form of the snow daisy garland. Perhaps he would like a box of chocolates next.]
You'll have to be a bit more specific, I'm afraid.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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His heart sank to his chest upon receiving the one worded reply, and all doubts began to swell inside of him, allowing thoughts to run ragged with a slew of negative possibilities.
So there was something wrong. Far more than what he had been lead to believe. Jill had remained silent with these feelings harbored against him, and to know that he was the one who caused such grief…
It was a feeling far worse than many he’s felt before.
He didn’t expect a response. And to be honest, with how things were going, he would have not blamed her in the least. Yet when one finally came, there was no relief that followed, only furthering the truth that he had fucked up.
If he were a lesser man, he would have left it at that, but there was a reason he typed those words to her in the first place.
And so, after a few moments have gone by to process the message, he finally responds. ]
May I meet with you?
[ There were too many words to say. So many that he was ill equipped to type all of them down with so little knowledge of this technology.
He needed to say it in person. To know that his words were registering and making it to its intended audience. He needed to make this right. ]
no subject
Yes. I am at the apartment if you wish to come here.
[She could go to his place, as she usually does, but something inside Jill tells her to let him come to her. If he is to be a proper suitor, she cannot continue to enable his poor habits by doing all the work by herself.]
no subject
Now more than ever Clive wanted to be at her side. ]
I'm heading there now, then.
[ He informs, already picking himself up and making his way towards her apartment. Although she was the one to visit often the steps towards her housing were deeply engraved in his mind, almost his trek almost an automatic movement while he traversed the small distance between them.
He wished to get there as fast as he could. He wished to have these terrible emotions and feelings that crawled up his skin leave him after some clarity. There were too many "what-ifs" that dulled his sensibility as he moved, blurring his vision.
Yet eventually he will arrive in what felt like centuries. Clive's legs felt like lead and breath thickening in his lungs. Would she really want to see him? After a fool he's been?
A firm knock on the door and patience will tell— ]
no subject
She busies herself with straightening up her already neat chambers, shifting a chair here, nudging a little knickknack of a starfish there. It's mostly her working out her anxiety about this meetup, knowing that the last few weeks of avoiding her issues is about to come to a head, but also so she can hide evidence of her "studying". The tamer romance novels get tucked into a bookshelf where the titles and covers are vague enough to pass by the unsuspecting eye while the racier ones with the half-shirtless men with swooning women draped in their arms on the front find a new home under her pillow. That one book that Jill wished she never laid eyes on and has been promised to the hottest fires that she can find in the nearest future gets kicked under the bed in shame.
Torgal, who's on Jill's week of the loose custody arrangement between her and Clive, watches her flitter around from his lying place on the floor with curious eyes. If only he understood how silly humans can be, especially his. But maybe it's better he doesn't know; at least he'll save his own sanity watching them act like fools.
By the time Clive arrives, she's out of things to keep her hands occupied and can only nervously stand by the door and await his knock. It still startles her into a slight jump when she hears the solid rap and her pulse needs a moment to settle back into its normal rhythm before she's pulling open the door and greeting Clive with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.]
Hello.
[A simple greeting. Too simple for what's between the both of them, but Jill doesn't know what else to say through her nerves.]
no subject
There were plenty of things he could recall in his past that he regrets; things he wished he had done differently or paths that were meant to be explored but never did. Yet through his constant adversities there was one solid foundation that kept himself from drifting afloat... and that was Jill. For so long she had been the wall that prevented him from collapsing, but as their time grew longer here the cracks were beginning to be exposed.
She couldn't remain that sturdy wall for him forever, not without the proper care and maintenance it took to make sure that she, too, stood tall.
And that was what he was here to prove.
The door opening startles him slightly despite having been waiting there for this exact reason, and immediately his eyes turn to meet hers. He quickly notes the simple greeting- how her eyes don't match her smile and the tone that follows finding itself odd to his ears. Clive knows this is his fault, that's he driven a hard wedge between them and it was up to him to remove it. ]
Jill...
[ He'll give a nod to the greeting despite its lack of familiarity as his normal stoic-like disposition is mixed with a far bit of sadness. He won't give himself the opportunity to play victim though, not when she has been the one hurting the most. So he'll reach down to take one of her hands into his own, giving it a small and support squeeze. A simple gesture to know that he was here and refusing to leave her side. ]
Let's talk. I want to hear everything that's been on your mind.
no subject
But yet here he is looking exactly like that while still taking her hand in his where Clive can probably feel the endless quick drumming of her pulse. Her nerves are on high alert, though the gentle squeeze helps remind her that he asked to come here, that if he wanted to cut things loose and run, he could have.
He did not.
She nods, letting him hold her hand a bit longer before she pulls it away so she can step aside and let him into the apartment.]
Come in. I'll make us some tea first.
no subject
He'll nod, a bit sheepishly, before accepting the gesture and entering the apartment. Torgal lifts his head up to acknowledge Clive, as he will do the same to the wolf. A quick scan of the room as well leaves little for the man to note- nothing out of place or different from the last time he visited. But... how long had that been? There had not been here for long, but the more he stood in silence the more a creeping realization began to dawn upon him.
He hated it.
Taking in a deep inhale to push the thoughts aside, he turned to her as the door closed behind them. ]
Did you need any help with that? [ Regardless of the task, he felt compelled to at least ask. ]
no subject
Perhaps a little too used as she let it go on for so long, even here, but what's done is done and the only thing they can do is talk it out. But to get there first, Jill has to work through her nerves again with this tea and with Clive asking to help, she swallows the knee-jerk reaction to refuse his assistance. It takes only one to make tea, but two to make this relationship work and it's better to start on the right foot by letting him in little by little.
She's taking a couple cups out of the cabinet when she turns her head towards him, a small smile curling her lips.]
If you would light the hearth, please?
no subject
The butterflies that had previously consumed him at a young age when he looked at Jill had been consumed in flames, and for such a long time he never even knew if she was alive. There was no other emotion that could topple the amount of hate, rage, and regret he felt each and every day.
Yet as he is now is he was slowly, timidly, carefully trying to piece together what it meant to be a person again. To express emotions and live a life that was able to love.
... But maybe he was being too slow. Maybe to ask someone to wait for him to discover these emotions was too selfish of him. Maybe he didn't deserve it at all— ]
Of course. [ He answers plainly, moving without a second thought to stand in front of the fireplace. He kneels down, placing a hand out in front of him as small sparks begin to ignite the wood inside of it. To use Ifrit's powers in such a way... some would find it laughable. But whatever way he chose to help her he would do it.
There would be much to discuss soon, but at least the growing warmth that began to surround the room gave some comfort to the chill he felt at the back of his spine.
He'll busy himself while the tea is being prepared; moving two chairs out slightly so they had a place to sit, as well as keeping his gaze occupied with anything he could find in the room. He had to prepare himself for what Jill was going to say, and would not back down from it. ]
no subject
She thanks him in a quiet voice for the flames as she makes the tea. It is nothing fancy, just some basic blend Jill found in the shops made of sweet leaves and dried flowers. Still, the aroma as it brews soothes her more than she expected and she can't help but take a deep breath as she pours two servings after a long while of watching the kettle, in spite of the cliche of a watched pot and its boiling.
With all that done, Jill places the cups on the table along with a small container of honey. She continues setting things up with a plate of cookies, even though she's nowhere near hungry and surely neither is Clive. But it's better to have things nearby so they don't have any potential interruptions or distractions once they begin the ever important task of talking.]
Clive? The tea's ready.
[And so is she as she slips into a chair. She has to be.]
no subject
[ Everything seems so formal. So cordial. As if they were guests their assigned spaces and not lovers whom had withstood the might of a god together. But this was a hurdle the both of them needed to go through.
They had taken on so much, and they would continue to do so... no matter what.
Clive takes his place at the table and gives a half smile when the honey and cookies are presented. No, he wasn't hungry at all. He didn't even think he could properly down the tea, lest his nerves try to bring it back up, but the cup at least was something to keep a hand preoccupied as fingers curled around it.
And with his heart practically beating into his throat, the man will to form more than just a few words. ]
Jill, I... I'm sorry. [ Three words. It's a start. ]
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But never have they truly let fear get between things that required a sword or fist, so now they should not let it get between them. Easier said than done, though.
After putting some honey into her cup, Jill sits with it for a moment, hands curled around the warm mug, considering the myriad of ways to begin the conversation. However, Clive is speaking before her and Jill is caught off guard at the immediate apology, blinking at him before the tension in her shoulders falls and she shakes her head.]
I am sorry too. I should have spoken up long before and not let things fester. Though I am not angry with you, not in any way.
[She wants that to be clear, that while she was not getting what she wanted, nothing is being held against them. There is no resentment, just a little regret on her part for thinking]
It is just that this is a subject that is unfamiliar to me and I should not have expected you to have figured out my unspoken thoughts.
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He'll continue to listen intently, keeping most of his comments concealed behind the tightening grip of the mug in order to allow her to fully speak her mind. This was a time to allow Jill the space she needed to air out any of her grievances, and Clive was going to do his best to be as supportive as possible.
So with a bit of a gentle push, he peers at her with somber curiosity. ]
... I should have realized soon. But whatever your unspoken thoughts are, I wish to hear them— you don't need to hide anything from me.
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Jill nervously turns the cup of tea between her hands, watching the tan liquid sloshing slightly from side to side. She should really look at him when she finally speaks to gauge his truest reaction, but the crimson that creeps along her cheekbones won't let her.]
I wish to experience what we shared that night on the beach. Again. Possibly more than once.
[Well, at least she's stopped beating around the bush. If all men are supposedly dim or outright dumb as she was advised, being blunt is the best method to get what she wants.]
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He couldn't quite hide his initial bit of shock. Yes, what they had experienced together at the beach was something he could never forget, but they had never spoken of it again. It wasn't something so horrid as to hide away, but perhaps a rare intimate moment to be coveted. He had put the world before Jill after that moment, but now that his entire world was Jill...
He knows how difficult this must be to admit; to pour herself out in front of him and remove the boundaries that women would only whisper about, finding it too vulgar to speak in public. Yet for her to even have gotten to this point... To be in such a vulnerable state- to lie it all out in front of him- Clive could only imagine the courage it must have taken to get to this moment.
His head lowers, but not before reaching over and gingerly placing a supportive hand on her closest thigh. If she was brave enough to open herself up to request it, then he would not shy away from his response. ]
As do I. [ He will admit while turning his gaze to attempt to meet her own. ]
I won't make excuses for what I've done, but I am sorry you have been keeping this in for so long.
[ He feels so, so shitty. But one step at a time- ]
You know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, Jill.
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[With those two words, her head whips up and her eyes are on him, wide and curious. She knew how she felt, how her body ached to reach that point of no return again, but she also felt alone in her thoughts. Clive never hinted he wanted more which let to Jill's budding insecurity. That gets washed away in a hurry with his simple answer, the confirmation that he truly does want her, not only loves her, but wants her in the way she wants him.
It moves something in her and Jill finds herself relaxing in this knowledge, lifting her thigh up into his touch, relishing in that little bit of affection.]
I know. [Appreciative, however she's shaking her head.] But this is something I'd rather you'd want to do over feeling as if you have to because it's me.
[Her hand moves from around the cup, down to rest on the back of his all the while.]
I don't want to be another responsibility for you. Not like this, anyway.
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[ Not in that way she implied, at least. He surely felt responsible for keeping her safe and protected, but feeling as though she was just another task on his do-to list? Never. ]
Your feelings and what you want will never be a burden to me. We are in this together. [ He replies before taking his other hand and cupping it over her own. ] This is something I want us to do. Not because we have to... but because we want to.
[ His face slightly falters to something a bit more vulnerable, and his frown deepens. ]
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I... we hadn't spoken of it since then, and with all that had occurred I thought that perhaps my inexperience may have played a part in all this.
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At his admission, Jill purses her lips in disapproval, but it quickly melts into a sympathetic smile.]
Clive, I am just as inexperienced as you. It would be unfair of me to judge you.
[Not that she would really be able to tell if he was doing something wrong back then. The romance novels have given her ideas and leads as to how things should go, but also, how much of those texts are just fantasy with not even a sprinkle of reality?]
I didn't try to discuss things with you at home because I felt there were more important things to contend with. Others needed you, needed what you do and did for them, and I felt that I could fall behind those things at the time.
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But Jill was right. Back home there was a bigger picture to contend with, and as much as he struggled to balance the two some things at the time had to become priority. He only now realized what he had to give up in order for those tasks to be accomplished. ]
I never gave you the opportunity to speak your mind, though. I can't imagine how you must have felt.
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I never took the opportunity to speak my mind either. Granted, I didn't know how then... not that I really do now, but still, there were some things I allowed to pass when I maybe shouldn't have.
[And to complete the pattern they have going on, Jill moves her other hand to cover his, making a little stack of comforting and loving hands between them.]
But that's in the past now. We can only move forward knowing what we now do, right?
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You're right. I won't make the mistake of disappointing you again. [ And as down on himself as he normally his, Clive's words are earnest.
He gives her hand another squeeze before attempting some soft semblance of a smile. ]
There should be no more secrets between us... no more hiding back our feelings. If we are to do this together, we should be as open as possible.
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Yes, we should. And with that, I shall ask without fear: is there anything you desire of me?
[Other than what they both agree they want (and probably need) at this moment, that is. Perhaps he wants something out of this relationship she can give him immediately, to cement her promise to do better, to allow the man to have the things he wants for once in his life, to be the one to give them to him.]
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They would have plenty of time to accomplish that goal, but after a brief moment of consideration, Clive finally parts his lips briefly to speak his mind. ]
My only desire is for you to agree to a proper courtship with me.
[ It... may sound like a strange request, but one Clive felt that needed to be addressed. If they were going to make this work, if they were truly in this together, then he needed to take the proper steps in order to do so.
Starting with going back to the basics. ]
... I never did truly ask you, though there were many times I wish I had.
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[At least for herself. The novels have given her ideas with things like candlelit dinners, a bouquet of flowers from a suitor, grand and wordy gestures of loving out loud. Not all of them seem to her taste, but if that is what Clive wants, that is what he shall get.
She's already given him flowers in the form of the snow daisy garland. Perhaps he would like a box of chocolates next.]
You'll have to be a bit more specific, I'm afraid.
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